After the show - © Sophie
Gilles Soubeyrand
Jasmin Steffin # 2023 # Luebben - © Sophie
Jasmin Steffin
Heike65 # 2023 # Cuxhaven # 5 - © Sophie
Heike Nordlicht
Jasmin Steffin # 2023 # Lost Place # 2 - © Sophie
Jasmin Steffin
Political Issue - © Sophie
Foto Sascha
"How much can I take?", the squirrel asked.
"As much as you need.", the walnut tree answered.
"The winter will become hard.", said the squirrel.
"I know. My leaves are still green.", the tree agreed.
"How much can I take?", the blue whale asked.
"As much as you need.", the ocean answered.
"The winter will become hard.", said the whale.
"I know. Take krill as you need.", the ocean agreed.
"How much can I take?", the trans girl asked.
"As much you need.", the naked body of Tom answered.
"The winter was hard.", said trans girl.
"I know. Take intimacy, as you need.", Tom agreed.
The squirrel survived the winter.
The whale survived the winter.
The trans girl still needs time.
She was frozen long time before.
In a winter, she didn't choose.
(A trans tale)
Prince is an experienced urban explorer. He visited old townhouses, closed mines, abandoned hospitals and other kinds of lost places, all over the county, always aligned to the urban-ex rules: 1.) Don't change anything. 2.) Don't destroy anything. - And now, he wonders if the place he's looking for, really exists. - This path in the wood, is pure wilderness, some lumberman seems to block the trail intentionally. Ruined the old tracks, fell trees here, without moving them out of the way, let the nature grow, and it seems they covered the initial track, from the main road to this path.
Prince follows this old trail for three hours, his mobile phone is disconnected, only his compass is still working. But he's convinced, if this old townhouse will be there, as a stranger told him, this will become one of the best expeditions since years, with wonderful photos in the end.
Some minutes later, Prince spot's contours of an old stonewall. Invisible between the wild hedges and the mystic ivy, but not invisible to his experience. He looks for the old entrance, and find it 100 meters in the north. The wooden gate is dilapidated since years, he stops and take the first pictures. It's beautiful. In the background he spots mountains with snow, and on the old stony chimney, there is a bird's nest.
The front door is closed, he tries to push, but as he doesn’t like to damage anything, he follows the path near the mosey walls to the backdoor. Gosha. It's open. He steps back, and take more pictures. Changes the lens, breathe deeply, and enters the building. - And, as the stranger man told him, the kitchen is completely arranged! With a table and chairs, an old coal stove, tools, as someone seems to left in the past, to come back in near future. A menu was prepared on the desk, with white porcelain. Huge plates, elegant glass from crystal, a knife and spoon, covered all-over with dust.
Prince takes more photos, detail for detail, and suddenly he notices, that he spent over one hour only in the kitchen. And he needs to decide, how to proceed this expedition. - Going back for three hours, this old path in the darkness, even with his flashlight, would be dangerous. - So, Prince needs to come back tomorrow for explore this place in detail. – So, he stores his camera in his backpack, and opens the door to the living room. As a reflex, he grabs for his camera, but remembers his decision, to make a quick tour, and come back tomorrow. - He spots the bathroom, with the old hot-water heater and the bath tub out of metal, covered all-over with dust. - Prince goes upstairs, where he spots four closed doors. He decides for the right one, push, and frightens. In the bed … there is a corpus. Under the blanket. A corpus from a human. A woman. A sleeping woman.
He steps closer, one, two, three. Prince heart starts to bump. A woman sleeps here. Three steps towards the bed. A sleeping beauty. - She opens her eyes. - Prince blood freezes, his mouth shouts out loudly. But the woman stares on him in silence, and demonstrate Prince not to fear. Lays her demonstration finger on her lips, and stands up. - And looks like a ghost with her nightdress out of white satin.
"Where are you?", she asks him.
Prince needs some minutes, to understand, that this is real. A sleeping beauty in this lost place, far away from any civilization. He doesn’t believe in witches, he doesn’t believe in magic, Prince tries to get the situation clear. Concentrate on the facts. That there must be a reason, for all this dust covered furniture and this beautiful woman, who sleeps here, like a figure in an old tale.
"I'm Prince", he stumbles.
"You find this place, even by the curse?", the asks him curious.
"What do you mean?", Prince asks.
" You don't know the curse?", she looks into Prince eyes.
"I even don't know your name.", Prince says.
"Oh. Sorry. Sophie. I'm Sophie.”, her head goes to the dusty windows. “And you have to leave now Prince. It's getting dark. The way to the main road is dangerous in the night, and maybe it will start to rain later."
"I know, I know. I plan to leave during the day light Sophie. But I can't leave you here alone."
She points Prince to keep silence.
"Please go Prince. - I'm here for 1000 years. Please go. It will be dangerous in the night. Never underestimate your nightmares. This wood is filled up with them. Trust me."
Prince isn't sure, if there have been some strange mushrooms in the old townhouse. Some strange substance, which operate like LSD or something else by anyone who breathe it into the lungs. There was a woman. Sophie. For 1000 years? - He takes his camera, and check for the pictures. And yes, the old walls are there, the kitchen, the porcelain plates. He arrives by his car in darkness, and decides to come back tomorrow.
On the next day, Prince starts much earlier, to arrive in the morning. And as Prince knows already about the feral trail, and where to go to, the way on the damaged trail is much easier today. And Prince knocks on the backdoor, but no one answers. – So, he slides in carefully. Nothing has been changed in the kitchen. Also, the living rooms looks the same. He goes up, and stands again in the front of four closed door. - "Sophie?", he shouts out, "Sophieeee?"
But no answer at all. - Prince knocks on the right door, waits, knocks again, and steps in. - And spots the sleeping Sophie again. - He whispers: "Sophie? It's me, it's Prince!", and she opens her eyes, slides to the edge of her bed, sits up, looks on him, and Prince assumes a little smile in her face.
"I have more time today. I like to listen. I like to understand what happens here."
Sophie looks on him. Demonstrate Prince with her hand to wait, and left the room with any further comment. Silence. Completely silence in the room and the house. - It takes some time, but Sophie comes back. In a long colourful satin dress.
"Do you really like to hear?"
Prince nods his head. Both go downstairs, and Sophie opens a door in the living room, which Prince haven’t notice yet. And they enter a park. With old oaks, a fountain, mowed lawn. And they have a walk.
"You will not believe me Prince. But there is a curse on me. I'm here for 1000 years, and I'm also a little bit older than 1000 years. But I stopped to live. So, I'm going old here, without dying."
"I believe you!", Prince says, and Sophie talks about the mirror, she looked in, 1000 years ago. And that she saw herself in the mirror. - But even it was herself, it was another person. - And Sophie understood by this picture into the mirror, that something is wrong with her. - And some voice in the mirror whispered: "Come due me. Step via the glass to the other side. Go to yourself."
Sophie smiles to Prince.
"And do you know, what I did?"
He whispers No, without any word, and Sophie continues:
"I jumped through the glass surface of the mirror. To the other side. And the crushing glass caused a lot of scars on my mind and body. And the misfortune, which is caused by the glass of a broken mirror, began. The curse on myself began. I survived the jump, all the bleedings, the loneliness and pain, but my life stopped here in this old, beautiful villa. - And it doesn't matter, what I'm doing, how much things I'm touching. Everything will be covered with dust immediately. Because I’m alive, without a life. Like a ghost."
And Sophie reports more and more from this time. And Prince listens in silence, listen to all the strange magic. Later Prince observes, how everything covers with dust again by magic, after Sophie touches it.
Prince visits Sophie now for every day. - And every time he forgets to ask about the curse. But one time, he asks and Sophie answers:
"If I tell you about, you will not be able to solve the curse. – I can tell you how to solve the curse, if you like. But maybe, you will never see me again afterwards. Please decide."
Prince thought about this sentence again and again. And he notices one strange change, since he attended the old townhouse for the first time: The track become with each new week much more comfortable. And he sees tracks of himself in the house. Steps in the dust on the floor. Things he touched with his fingers, a few days ago, haven't been covered with dust anymore. And the park begins to fill with flowers, like in spring. And every time they have a walk, new butterflies in amazing colours guides them. The sun shines, and they love to rest on a glade, near to a small river. And they laughing together, and sometimes, they also had hours, filled with an intimate silence, far away from any expectations, filled with peace and balance.
And Prince comes back, again and again, and Sophie stopped to sleep in her bed, she waits for him on the front door. Smiles to him, every time he arrives.
And during one day, the sun shines in the park, Sophie places a chocolate cake on the picnic blanket, and she says: "You are my most lovely guest today. It's my 1018 birthday." And she smiles on Prince and lightens a candle. - And Prince starts to look on her, and he starts to do something, he is afraid of, afraid for the last weeks. But he hugs Sophie. This sleeping beauty. And she hugs Prince back. And after some minutes of cuddling, their lips come closer and closer. And Prince starts to kiss Sophie. He knows, he didn't ask, but he kissed Sophie. And for a moment he had the feeling, that the curse, Sophie talked about weeks ago, was dissolved now.
Tara asks me, to attend her, for a charity gala in some bigger German city, because Tara's NGO was nominated for a civil society price and get two cards for her NGO. - But nobody of her team likes glitter, long dresses and make-up, so for sure, she asks me. And double-sure, I say yes, because, we will get a make-up from some professional MUAs before the show.
I'm so simple structured and easy to catch. So, if you need to convince me for something in the future, prepare a red carpet and book a MUAs. Afterwards I will do anything. 😅
The show is funny. The idea behind the price is primarily the empowering of charity projects, who are driven by women. - But you don't have to win a Nobel prize in economics to understand, that 80% of the nominated and introduced projects are driven by some housewives with some rich money-earning husbands. - So yes, let's celebrate the autonomy of females. I love it.
We're leaving the show quite quickly. Tara's NGO didn't win anything. Sure, she doesn’t have a rich husband, and we're looking like lesbians, who have read too much feministic literature.
We start to walk around the harbour, breathing stormy cold air, start freezing and shamble back on our high heels to the hotel, to decide for a private party at the bar. Laughing, talking, enjoying this crazy world, with all these important evenings, to fill up the empty gaps in our exitances.
Half an hour later, the bar-keeper come over and set two new drinks on our table.
From the Mister right over there. - He turns his head to a male, who smiles on us.
Thank you, we whisper and cheering well-behaved the drinks into the direction of the stranger.
Five minutes later the strange take a seat at our table and introducing himself. We start a little chit-chat, but Jens is not a lonely sales man only, he's also quite horny, and his eyes and interest is focusing me.
Wow, this is new for me. The first invitation for a drink from a stranger. Crazy. Unfortunately, I’m not interested. Sex with strangers is a no-go. I need some time to explain my body, my mind, reading together in my manual first, until we understand the basics. – But yes, it’s my first invitation as a woman. My first drink as Sophie. But, 100ms are enough to understand, that he isn't rich, humorous and unmarried. So, I decided to be honest, instead of playing.
Jens, thank you for the drinks. But to be honest: Nothing will happen between you and me today. No kissing. No sex. Nothing. I'm not interested to fuck with you. We can have a little talk, but nothing else. Are you okay with that?
Tara looks on me, with her mouth open for two seconds, until Jens speaks on.
What a shame. You are so randy. Really. You make me really horny.
Thank you, Jens, that's nice. But no, means no.
Jens looks through his wet alcoholic eyes on me.
No fuck?
No fuck!, I answer.
Not even a little fuck?
Not even a little fuck Jens.
He shrugs the shoulders, and left. Tara opens her handbag to look for her countenance.
Sophie, you're so straight. I would have talked to these guys for an hour, because he paid the drink.
Was I to rough? Or unfair? - I never get invited to a drink from a stranger before. I mean, it was a compliment. A really compliment. And I rejected him. Maybe I was too rough?
We're leaving for our room. Attending the elevator, I look on myself in the mirror. Everything changed with my coming-out, with my life as Sophie. - And I still need to developing my female dating capabilities.
Puberty is a time span of ten years. - But if you start your transition afterwards, you will go into a second puberty, into a second time span of 10 years. But this puberty is much harder. We transitioners trying to catch up everything we missed. - While having a fixed identity from our first puberty. - And beyond the experiences from the new identity, we have to overcome old socialisation and patterns, of our non-conforming gender behaviour, which crashes into our daily life, while we're facing a lot of changes in our mind (and hopefully bodies), by the new hormone level.
And we're working against 100 reasons of shame, 1000 obstacles in the mirror, and some very deep written pictures of cis-gender in our-selves and others. And one of the main duties in transition, is to glue all this together, into one human, one existence, into one life.
Transition can be a full-time job. But you have to cope with it, as one task from multiple others: Earning money, looking for help, care for family members, explaining yourself to the world (even if you don't have an explanation for yourself), attend the gym, cooking, maintaining other relation*ships, filling your social media accounts and office chair and feeding the cat.
We learning, to accept ourself, the status quo, becoming patient in dozens of topics (e.g., legal changes, changes by hormones, etc), and we adopt new behaviours, changing old pattern and requesting ourself always: “Is the person, I’m becoming now, feeling right?”
Or do we behave like copycats, who overtook some strange behaviour or styles, which didn't fit into your life and beings, because we wrongly assume, they belong to our official gender now.
I'm in the middle of my second 10-year puberty, and I learned a lot during this summer. First and most important: Pain is for growing, and I hope, I dived into any stitch which was presented me, by this summer. - I learned, how to cope with my phases of trans-downness in a better way, and about my optimal reaction of getting misgendered. (I understood now, that this is like a Terry-Pratchett message, out of the parallel existing universe of cis-heteronormativity.)
I also meet persons, I thought, 'Wow I would like to date!', and that I will use the non-binding term "dating" in future. Stopping the desire for a never-ending-true-deep-love-lifetime relationship. - Spending two evenings per week together, giving our skin touches and kisses to your necks, should be adequate to stay healthy and enough to push each other into a stable state. - But this means a lot of honest communication. (So maybe it's easier to stay in the never-ending-love narrative.)
This is what I learned in my summer of '23.
"Are you happy?", Laurana asked me some days ago.
It was late and we had discussed about the possibility, the term and the feeling of happiness for us trans women, since hours.
Because we're getting misgendered at least once a day, and we're irritating people with our voice, getting glimpses to the never fading marks of male hood on our bodies and beings. - And we're facing an abstract refusal of our transness in social media and the newspaper. We're seeing violence against us in the community, and we're hearing prejudices regarding us, from people who don't have a glue about anything (A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G), but an opinion towards gender.
And we're hearing permanently, that children need to be protected from queer people, from wokeness, and we see, that society steels children’s their rights everywhere and nobody complains: The right of education and health! The right of getting protected from violence and (sexual) abuse! And in the end, our children’s will inherit a planet, which is becoming more and more a piece of scrap! Yeah. Protect the children from us.
Silence.
Filled with handpans.
Lovely handpan sound, from Giolì & Assia, and I said: "This is how angles talking."
And we listened some more moments to the voices of angles.
"How can I say, that I'm happy?"
What is happiness in a world, were I'm paying attention to the intonation of any word, coming through my lips? I'm paying attention to my language and body gestures, to my (male) personal border protection mechanisms and knowledge of male privileges, within all female routines?
How to think about happiness, in a world where I need to maintain thousands of attributes at once, to reach and keep my limited femineity?
Being a female, and don't lose a second of it. Maybe, this is happiness for me. Accepting my limits, coping with them and being me. Being Sophie. And don't lose a single second of it anymore. That's happiness.
„Yes, Laurana. I'm happy.“
27305
Germany / Europe
Die Bildgestalterin Sophie Schmidt zeigt vom 29.05.2023 (Deutsche Mühlentag) bis zum 11.09.2023 (Tag des offenen Denkmals) mit sieben Fotografien, in universeller, teils poetisch, teils konkreter Sprache, Begegnungen zwischen Himmel und Hölle auf. Als transgeschlechtliches Model, ist Sophie dabei immer wieder Subjekt auf ihren eigenen Werken in Situationen, welche regelmäßig den inneren Konflikt zwischen Körper und Psyche behandeln, den Zustand zwischen Zwang und Freiheit, das Schweben zwischen Verzweiflung und Hoffnung; eine Überbrückung der Gegensätze.
Aufgrund dieser Brückenkraft werden Transgender-Menschen in einigen nordamerikanischen-indigenen Kulturen als two-spirits bezeichnet. Sie spielen in diesen Kulturen eine wichtige Rolle als Hüter der traditionellen Kultur, aber auch als Vermittler zwischen Himmel und Erde, Himmel und Hölle.
Insbesondere erforscht Sophie, was es bedeutet, innerhalb einer deutschen, christlichen Kultur eine two-spirit zu sein.
Die Bilder sind in Zusammenarbeit mit vier Fotograf:innen durch Inszenierung oder in freier Arbeit entstanden. Die Auswahl wurde gemeinsam mit Bea Tilanus Müllerin der Bruchmühlen für die Veranstaltung vorgenommen.
Adresse:
Sternwarte Bruchmühlen
Bruchmühlen 2
27305 Bruchhausen-Vilsen
https://www.planetarium-bruchhausen-vilsen.de/
[email protected]
Öffnungszeiten:
Jeden 2. und 4. Sonntag im Monat, zwischen 14:00 und 17:00 Uhr
Vom 29.05.2023 bis zum 11.09.2023
I am a transgender non-op woman, with about two years of modelling experience. - I like to explore universal symbols in my work, and use them for my favourite topics: gender, feminism and climate change, which in fact are always political. And I always like to be part in activism and the appropriate campaigns.
I am living in Berlin and I am flexible during the working days, because I am working as full-time software programmer and business analyst as a freelancer. I prefer TfP for projects which could enrich each other mindset and portfolio.
Beyond my favourite topics I am always curious and like to learn and enrich my shooting experiences. So, I am quite open for every topic and style, as long as there is quality and entitlement in the collaboration.
Most photographers describe me as easy, in-time, in-point and flexible to react to the demands. I am sure to fulfil a broad bandwidth of emotional states, if needed.
Don’t hesitate to contact me.
