Europa / Deutschland / Berlin
After the show - © Sophie
Gilles Soubeyrand
Jasmin Steffin # 2023 # Luebben - © Sophie
Jasmin Steffin
Heike65 # 2023 # Cuxhaven # 5 - © Sophie
Heike Nordlicht
Jasmin Steffin # 2023 # Lost Place # 2 - © Sophie
Jasmin Steffin
Political Issue - © Sophie
Foto Sascha
Tara asks me, to attend her, for a charity gala in some bigger German city, because Tara's NGO was nominated for a civil society price and get two cards for her NGO. - But nobody of her team likes glitter, long dresses and make-up, so for sure, she asks me. And double-sure, I say yes, because, we will get a make-up from some professional MUAs before the show.
I'm so simple structured and easy to catch. So, if you need to convince me for something in the future, prepare a red carpet and book a MUAs. Afterwards I will do anything. 😅
The show is funny. The idea behind the price is primarily the empowering of charity projects, who are driven by women. - But you don't have to win a Nobel prize in economics to understand, that 80% of the nominated and introduced projects are driven by some housewives with some rich money-earning husbands. - So yes, let's celebrate the autonomy of females. I love it.
We're leaving the show quite quickly. Tara's NGO didn't win anything. Sure, she doesn’t have a rich husband, and we're looking like lesbians, who have read too much feministic literature.
We start to walk around the harbour, breathing stormy cold air, start freezing and shamble back on our high heels to the hotel, to decide for a private party at the bar. Laughing, talking, enjoying this crazy world, with all these important evenings, to fill up the empty gaps in our exitances.
Half an hour later, the bar-keeper come over and set two new drinks on our table.
From the Mister right over there. - He turns his head to a male, who smiles on us.
Thank you, we whisper and cheering well-behaved the drinks into the direction of the stranger.
Five minutes later the strange take a seat at our table and introducing himself. We start a little chit-chat, but Jens is not a lonely sales man only, he's also quite horny, and his eyes and interest is focusing me.
Wow, this is new for me. The first invitation for a drink from a stranger. Crazy. Unfortunately, I’m not interested. Sex with strangers is a no-go. I need some time to explain my body, my mind, reading together in my manual first, until we understand the basics. – But yes, it’s my first invitation as a woman. My first drink as Sophie. But, 100ms are enough to understand, that he isn't rich, humorous and unmarried. So, I decided to be honest, instead of playing.
Jens, thank you for the drinks. But to be honest: Nothing will happen between you and me today. No kissing. No sex. Nothing. I'm not interested to fuck with you. We can have a little talk, but nothing else. Are you okay with that?
Tara looks on me, with her mouth open for two seconds, until Jens speaks on.
What a shame. You are so randy. Really. You make me really horny.
Thank you, Jens, that's nice. But no, means no.
Jens looks through his wet alcoholic eyes on me.
No fuck?
No fuck!, I answer.
Not even a little fuck?
Not even a little fuck Jens.
He shrugs the shoulders, and left. Tara opens her handbag to look for her countenance.
Sophie, you're so straight. I would have talked to these guys for an hour, because he paid the drink.
Was I to rough? Or unfair? - I never get invited to a drink from a stranger before. I mean, it was a compliment. A really compliment. And I rejected him. Maybe I was too rough?
We're leaving for our room. Attending the elevator, I look on myself in the mirror. Everything changed with my coming-out, with my life as Sophie. - And I still need to developing my female dating capabilities.
Puberty is a time span of ten years. - But if you start your transition afterwards, you will go into a second puberty, into a second time span of 10 years. But this puberty is much harder. We transitioners trying to catch up everything we missed. - While having a fixed identity from our first puberty. - And beyond the experiences from the new identity, we have to overcome old socialisation and patterns, of our non-conforming gender behaviour, which crashes into our daily life, while we're facing a lot of changes in our mind (and hopefully bodies), by the new hormone level.
And we're working against 100 reasons of shame, 1000 obstacles in the mirror, and some very deep written pictures of cis-gender in our-selves and others. And one of the main duties in transition, is to glue all this together, into one human, one existence, into one life.
Transition can be a full-time job. But you have to cope with it, as one task from multiple others: Earning money, looking for help, care for family members, explaining yourself to the world (even if you don't have an explanation for yourself), attend the gym, cooking, maintaining other relation*ships, filling your social media accounts and office chair and feeding the cat.
We learning, to accept ourself, the status quo, becoming patient in dozens of topics (e.g., legal changes, changes by hormones, etc), and we adopt new behaviours, changing old pattern and requesting ourself always: “Is the person, I’m becoming now, feeling right?”
Or do we behave like copycats, who overtook some strange behaviour or styles, which didn't fit into your life and beings, because we wrongly assume, they belong to our official gender now.
I'm in the middle of my second 10-year puberty, and I learned a lot during this summer. First and most important: Pain is for growing, and I hope, I dived into any stitch which was presented me, by this summer. - I learned, how to cope with my phases of trans-downness in a better way, and about my optimal reaction of getting misgendered. (I understood now, that this is like a Terry-Pratchett message, out of the parallel existing universe of cis-heteronormativity.)
I also meet persons, I thought, 'Wow I would like to date!', and that I will use the non-binding term "dating" in future. Stopping the desire for a never-ending-true-deep-love-lifetime relationship. - Spending two evenings per week together, giving our skin touches and kisses to your necks, should be adequate to stay healthy and enough to push each other into a stable state. - But this means a lot of honest communication. (So maybe it's easier to stay in the never-ending-love narrative.)
This is what I learned in my summer of '23.
"Are you happy?", Laurana asked me some days ago.
It was late and we had discussed about the possibility, the term and the feeling of happiness for us trans women, since hours.
Because we're getting misgendered at least once a day, and we're irritating people with our voice, getting glimpses to the never fading marks of male hood on our bodies and beings. - And we're facing an abstract refusal of our transness in social media and the newspaper. We're seeing violence against us in the community, and we're hearing prejudices regarding us, from people who don't have a glue about anything (A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G), but an opinion towards gender.
And we're hearing permanently, that children need to be protected from queer people, from wokeness, and we see, that society steels children’s their rights everywhere and nobody complains: The right of education and health! The right of getting protected from violence and (sexual) abuse! And in the end, our children’s will inherit a planet, which is becoming more and more a piece of scrap! Yeah. Protect the children from us.
Silence.
Filled with handpans.
Lovely handpan sound, from Giolì & Assia, and I said: "This is how angles talking."
And we listened some more moments to the voices of angles.
"How can I say, that I'm happy?"
What is happiness in a world, were I'm paying attention to the intonation of any word, coming through my lips? I'm paying attention to my language and body gestures, to my (male) personal border protection mechanisms and knowledge of male privileges, within all female routines?
How to think about happiness, in a world where I need to maintain thousands of attributes at once, to reach and keep my limited femineity?
Being a female, and don't lose a second of it. Maybe, this is happiness for me. Accepting my limits, coping with them and being me. Being Sophie. And don't lose a single second of it anymore. That's happiness.
„Yes, Laurana. I'm happy.“
Every few years, since transitioning, I opening my door and pushing all friends to the outside.
I can't bear myself.
I can't listen to my thoughts.
And I don't like to hear easy spoken words of sorry from others.
I don't won't to get touched.
If people are not dedicated to touch me, from the bottom of their being.
The worst times, are the most important times together.
So, I'm growing alone.
And when I sit there, with the compliments from the outside, about my beautiful being, my achievements, and the hole shit, I guess it was the right decision.
It was right, because it feels right.
Even if the feeling is pain.
And I'm growing for my own.
These thoughts are generic. They occur every time, before I shoot with an unknown photographer, especially when I like or adore the pictures.
Some weeks ago, I had a schedule with Mya from Leipzig (Germany). We planned to shoot in a parking house, to use some special light and background. And I was two hours before time. - So, I waited outside in the street. Completely styled, with a bag which contained all my stuff, which I grabbed three days ago, because before departure and our meeting, I was on a business trip in Munich.
So, I waited, and was nervous like hell. - I am trans. Non-op. And I love to shoot. All my model and social media profiles labels me as "woman", and I am transparent with that fact to anyone. I don't hide details regarding my past or trans body.
But through the upcoming "culture war" (for two years), more and more voices raised, that I am not a woman. That I was a male, be a male and will ever stay a male. - To be honest: Of course, this kind of statements (and connected hate) influences me.
Often, I feel like an imposter. And this is something which always comes in my mind before I meet the photographer. Before we start with the work. Thoughts like:
“Will my passing be valid on the pictures? Or will the POV of this photographer unmask my transness? Showing and spot me, as a male? Will the photographer start to misgender me, when we come to fine art nude photography? How much photos will be created, where my typical male attributes are underlined and emphasised?”
And by getting more and more nervous, I asking myself, why I am doing that shit all the time again? One to three times a month I am heading into the same situation again. Why I am searching for this challenge? Why I am going into this kind of exam? Why I am stressing myself that way?
But after everything starts, after I got into the touch with the lens, into touch with the click sound of the specific camera, I start to dive into the scene, deeper and deeper and come back to the set, after everything is shown and told.
And after I dived into each set, and arrived again and we finished, and we check the first results on the camera, I know why:
Because I love it! It's fun, its therapy, it's one of the best ways to connect to people, to myself, to exchange and grab new thoughts.
Thank you, Mya!
Thank you, all photographers who worked with me, in the past!
27305
Deutschland / Europa
Die Bildgestalterin Sophie Schmidt zeigt vom 29.05.2023 (Deutsche Mühlentag) bis zum 11.09.2023 (Tag des offenen Denkmals) mit sieben Fotografien, in universeller, teils poetisch, teils konkreter Sprache, Begegnungen zwischen Himmel und Hölle auf. Als transgeschlechtliches Model, ist Sophie dabei immer wieder Subjekt auf ihren eigenen Werken in Situationen, welche regelmäßig den inneren Konflikt zwischen Körper und Psyche behandeln, den Zustand zwischen Zwang und Freiheit, das Schweben zwischen Verzweiflung und Hoffnung; eine Überbrückung der Gegensätze.
Aufgrund dieser Brückenkraft werden Transgender-Menschen in einigen nordamerikanischen-indigenen Kulturen als two-spirits bezeichnet. Sie spielen in diesen Kulturen eine wichtige Rolle als Hüter der traditionellen Kultur, aber auch als Vermittler zwischen Himmel und Erde, Himmel und Hölle.
Insbesondere erforscht Sophie, was es bedeutet, innerhalb einer deutschen, christlichen Kultur eine two-spirit zu sein.
Die Bilder sind in Zusammenarbeit mit vier Fotograf:innen durch Inszenierung oder in freier Arbeit entstanden. Die Auswahl wurde gemeinsam mit Bea Tilanus Müllerin der Bruchmühlen für die Veranstaltung vorgenommen.
Adresse:
Sternwarte Bruchmühlen
Bruchmühlen 2
27305 Bruchhausen-Vilsen
https://www.planetarium-bruchhausen-vilsen.de/
[email protected]
Öffnungszeiten:
Jeden 2. und 4. Sonntag im Monat, zwischen 14:00 und 17:00 Uhr
Vom 29.05.2023 bis zum 11.09.2023
I am a transgender non-op woman, with about two years of modelling experience. - I like to explore universal symbols in my work, and use them for my favourite topics: gender, feminism and climate change, which in fact are always political. And I always like to be part in activism and the appropriate campaigns.
I am living in Berlin and I am flexible during the working days, because I am working as full-time software programmer and business analyst as a freelancer. I prefer TfP for projects which could enrich each other mindset and portfolio.
Beyond my favourite topics I am always curious and like to learn and enrich my shooting experiences. So, I am quite open for every topic and style, as long as there is quality and entitlement in the collaboration.
Most photographers describe me as easy, in-time, in-point and flexible to react to the demands. I am sure to fulfil a broad bandwidth of emotional states, if needed.
Don’t hesitate to contact me.